Common Humanity

Dr. Kristin Neff offers a world-renowned self-compassion program based on mindfulness, kindness to self, and finding common humanity. This idea of common humanity refers to seeing our struggles and failures as core components of what makes us human, rather than as personal failings that separate and isolate us from other people who we imagine are doing better than we are (which, unfortunately, we have often been conditioned to do). Struggling in life doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means you are human!

If parts of our body don’t work perfectly, we take medications or seek medical attention. When our minds and emotional states aren’t as we would like, we usually expect ourselves to be able to “power through” or even fix it. We expect our brains to work perfectly, and assume that we must be doing something wrong if we are depressed or anxious, or feel unable to handle life’s stresses. 

We forget that we all just find ourselves here in human bodies built by genes we did not choose. We did not choose our gender, our height, or many other characteristics. Nor did we choose our families, caretakers, or environments in general. We need to be reminded that we have “tricky brains,” wired to be sensitive to threats to our survival. Our thoughts and emotions can be much more difficult to regulate than we think. 

None of this is your fault. You did not choose your brain, your body, your life experiences, family or culture. None of us chose any of this; all of us just want to be free from suffering. It is not our fault, but we have the responsibility to live as best we can given circumstances. In those times in life when we fail or lose, we can access our common humanity rather than feel isolated by suffering. 

Often part of what is needed is a supportive and loving relationship with oneself. The one person with whom we spend every day of our lives may be very unkind to us, holding us to unreasonably high expectations, criticizing mistakes without offering real paths to improvement. If mistakes are seen as human, and we treat ourselves as we would treat a valued friend, we can become a source of comfort for ourselves. 

We all go through challenges in life, and even just being able to talk about the things that are difficult can help us better understand that struggles, and suffering, are normal and expected parts of life. If we learn that our suffering is not our fault, does not make us less than, unworthy or unlovable, but rather connects us and makes us more human, then there is opportunity for growth. Shame gives way to responsibility, commitment, and healthy change.